Our holiday parenting schedule listed the dates and times when XH was to have the kids; and it stated that I had all other holiday time. Since my time wasn't specifically laid out, XH attempted to manipulate the amount of time I got. He'd repeatedly call the police during holidays in an attempt to take time away from me...especially during the Christmas holiday. Not that it should've been that surprising, since he fought with me during the holidays even when we were married.
Yet where the court order was clear about how our personal relationships were to be handled around the kids, XH completely ignored it. There have always been stipulations about when a significant other could start spending the night when the kids were around. The intention was to make sure that there weren't multiple people being brought in and out of the children's lives...and it applied to both of us.
I've been in a relationship with only three guys since I left XH and my children have only known two of them. The first was a guy in my life from 2006-2012 who only had sporadic interaction with my children. We didn't live in the same town, so I would generally stay at his house when the kids were at XH's house for his parenting time and then I was back at home when the kids were with me. The only other man my kids have known me to be with is Johnny. I didn't introduce him to the kids until several months after we got back together in 2012 (almost 8 years after we met). He's the only man I've lived with and that wasn't until several months after we decided that we'd be getting married.
In contrast, XH has had a revolving door of women in and out of our kids' lives...and he's lived with many of them. After several short-lived relationships, he started dating his first long-term girlfriend in June 2010 and they moved in together six months later. However, it was a very volatile relationship and they had three separate break-up-and-move-out fights in 2011 before getting back together. Then in 2012, XH bought a house and they had a child together. We'll call this woman "baby mama."
In September 2013, baby mama called the cops and filed a Protection from Abuse (PFA) order against XH. She moved out in October and he started dating a new girl just a few weeks later. The new girlfriend was already moving her stuff into his house by Thanksgiving. XH has always known that immediately moving in with someone is against our court order...which is why he tells our kids to lie to me about it. But it's a small town...it's not like I'm not going to find out.
Then in a somewhat shocking turn of events, XH kicked the new girl out in January 2014 and moved baby mama back in the very next day. That's when I decided that something needed to change. It was obvious that XH's propensity for violence wasn't isolated to his relationship with me and I wasn't comfortable with my daughters spending 50% of their lives in that kind of environment.
I prepared my own court documents and filed the motion to change custody without an attorney. Even though I had more experience than I did in 2005, I quickly discovered that I still had too much faith in the system. All I could do was be as prepared as possible and hope for everything to go well.
The facts of our case needed to be sorted out from all the lies. I thought the best option for presenting evidence would be through a Child Custody Investigator (CCI) which was why I suggested it to our mediator during my initial solo appointment with him. I assumed the CCI would have enough experience to recognize the manipulation tactics of a narcissist and see through the lies. Unfortunately, that was not the case.
The CCI we were assigned to didn't seem interested in conducting a thorough investigation. I had prepared my evidence in a notebook that I'd organized according to the statements in the affidavit filed with my motion. The CCI outright told me that she didn't have time to go through it all. She also didn't speak to all of my witnesses. When we finally got her recommendation, it was absolute garbage. It wouldn't have solved any of the problems we were having--and worse--it would've just created more.
In a case where I filed the motion over concerns of domestic violence, alcohol abuse, and multiple women in and out of the home...the CCI recommendation mentioned NONE of that. Instead, it was one thing after another that *I* needed to do...most of which were irrelevant. It appeared as though she'd just taken everything that came out of XH's mouth as gospel and put it down on paper.
For example, the CCI said: Candace will be responsible for getting the kids to school on her days and will maintain an acceptable attendance record for them" and "if Candace can not get the children to their school and activities, [XH] should be awarded primary residential custody.
XH has a bad habit of accusing other people of what he is actually guilty of himself. If the CCI would have actually investigated--or even just made a phone call to the school concerning attendance records--she would've realized how ridiculous her statement is. I had been driving the kids to and from school (20 miles each way), volunteering at school parties, attending meetings and parent-teacher conferences, helping with homework and class projects, chaperoning field trips, staying home with the kids when they were sick, participating in girl scout activities, etc. Meanwhile, XH was not doing these things. He wasn't involved in the children's education at all and wasn't even taking them to school...his mom and girlfriends did that. He also had little participation in their activities aside from coaching softball (which he signed our kids up for each year regardless of whether they wanted to play or not). There was ample proof of my involvement; but aside from softball pictures (mostly that *I* had taken), XH couldn't say the same.
The CCI even went so far as to say: "Candace should be required to seek and gain full time employment. She has an education and should utilize it to provide for her children."
Welcome to XH's favorite complaint about me since July 2007. I'd made arrangements with my family to quit working so I could finish college (something XH wouldn't allow me to do while we were together). Whether or not I had a job was inconsequential to XH. Even though I'd quit working and XH was making twice the amount he was in 2006, I had never pursued an increase in his $158/month child support. He already wasn't paying his portion toward their out of pocket medical expenses nor did he pay anything toward their education. Considering I've always made sure my kids have everything they need, it shouldn't have made any difference to the CCI, either.
Since 2012, I had been running the office side of the business that Johnny had owned and operated since 1992. Not only that, but he's had full-time employment with the same company since 2005 (and he'd been working with that company part-time since 2000). With Johnny working two jobs and the fact that I had to drive 40 miles everyday to take the kids to and from school, it made more sense for me to work from home. Regardless, it wasn't a decision for a stranger to make...and certainly not just because my ex-husband wanted to control my life.
The most ridiculous item in the CCI recommendation came at the end. She recommended that if we could not make shared parenting work, then XH should have primary residency "as he can provide more stability, is employed, and is involved with the children's extracurricular activities." Seriously?! Aside from the fact that it's just not true...it also makes zero sense. In a situation where XH was already unwilling to compromise, she basically just gave him the perfect reason to make sure that shared custody did NOT work...since it meant that he'd get exactly what he wanted in the first place. (On a side note, her statement becomes very ironic in Part 4 of this series.)
Since I didn't agree to adopt the CCI recommendation, the judge sent us back to a Limited Case Manager (LCM). She was far more rational than the CCI. The LCM stated in the recommendation she prepared for the court that "the CCI report and recommendations were reviewed and it appears that the serious issues of alcohol abuse and domestic violence were not investigated completely. Further, it appeared that there was a great deal of emphasis placed on the children's involvement in sports above all else." Obviously I wasn't the only one who felt the CCI recommendation was lacking actual substance. The LCM also pointed out when XH had said one thing at our joint meeting and then something completely different during his second meeting with her. It was reassuring to know that someone else was actually taking note of XH's lies and inconsistencies.
While the LCM didn't recommend that custody should change at that time, her detailed recommendation gave several ways to resolve the problems we'd been having with shared parenting which included a more detailed holiday schedule and ways to limit our interactions with each other including that all of our communication be conducted through a website specifically for situations like ours. She also clarified the stipulations on relationships: a significant other couldn't be introduced to the children until we'd been together for six months and no cohabiting before one year. And she also stated that if XH was arrested for domestic violence or had another PFA filed against him, I should be awarded primary custody after filing the appropriate motions. She even said that XH should be required to undergo an alcohol evaluation and treatment if necessary. I was pleased with the outcome and filed a motion to adopt the LCM recommendation.
XH had filed his own motion to adopt the CCI recommendation instead. The affidavit filed with his motion was pretty ridiculous: There in LCM she labeled my kids to be drug addicts, drop outs, & pregnant all by the age of 15 without ever meeting or talking to them. She kept saying that she took this case pro bono & was happy that she didn’t have to deal with these situations much longer. Due to these reasons compared to the indepth investigation done by the courts I ask that these recommendations be adopted. * [LCM] only contacted my fiance’s Ex husband to discuss our children. My children left her office stating to me that they didn’t get to talk much & That [LCM] only wanted to talk about shopping & they didn’t like her at all compared to [CCI]. My children are outdoor tomboys not shoppers.
XH didn't mention one single item actually in the recommendation...just his personal distaste for the LCM. He obviously didn't understand that the LCM wasn't "labeling" our kids, she was explaining what kind of effects certain behaviors of parents can have on children. As far as our kids being "outdoor tomboys not shoppers," they're actually both...but it's typical of XH to just focus on the aspects that he personally favors. And the LCM talked to baby mama's ex-husband because it was a witness of mine that the CCI chose not to speak to at all...which is indicative of the CCI actually NOT conducting an in-depth investigation.
At our court hearing in September 2014, XH tried to make his argument against the LCM recommendation, but there wasn't much to logically be upset about. He tried to make his case against being away from the kids five days in a row, but the judge pointed out that he'd also get to have the kids five days in a row when I wouldn't have them. It was still an equal amount of time, but less interaction between he and I would benefit everyone...including the children.
XH reluctantly agreed to adopt the LCM recommendation for parenting time and the other issues were set for trial. Right after we left the courthouse, XH called me to say that he was going to file paperwork to have the parenting time changed. The judge had already issued the order stating that this arrangement was in the best interest of the children; so I knew it wasn't going to be changed since XH had just agreed to it. I wasn't worried about his empty threats and just hung up on him.
Then...XH and his family sunk to a level so low that even I hadn't expected it.
One Sunday in October 2014, two cops showed up at the house as Johnny and I were leaving for dinner. They said a report was made about a bruise my youngest daughter had. They added that they weren't making accusations, they just had to follow up on any reports made. They asked if she'd gotten any spankings at my house, and I said the kids hadn't even been at my house because it's been XH's parenting time. And before they left, there were no disciplinary issues at my house at all. When they get in trouble, they get their electronics taken away...because that's what is most effective. I knew what bruise the officer was talking about, though, because I'd seen it on Friday when I was with Ashlyn for her class field trip at the zoo. There was a large scratch with a bruise around it several inches above her knee; she told me that her dad's dog had scratched her. I explained that to the officers and let them know we were in the middle of a custody dispute that recently hadn't gone in XH's favor. They thanked us for our time and told us to be safe on our way to dinner. I assumed the drama was over.
I picked the kids up from school the following day. They got their homework done right away so we could carve pumpkins for Halloween as soon as Johnny got home from work. Then around 6pm, two cops rang the door bell and removed my crying children from our home. I was served with a PFA that XH had filed that afternoon which ordered me to have no contact with my children. With it, he'd also filed a motion that gave himself full custody with child support and no visitation at all.
The PFA was filed on behalf of my youngest daughter...who emailed me later that night saying that she missed me and asked when she'd get to see me again. I couldn't even respond because it would've violated the PFA. The next morning, XH's baby mama had the nerve to call me and left a voicemail saying that I could contact her to leave messages for the kids (yeah right...I'm not stupid enough to fall for being set up to violate the PFA). Then she read a note that my youngest had written to me...about how she just wanted to hear my voice and to "never stop counting" how much she loves me.
Right after that, XH's baby mama took the paperwork to the school and demanded that no one in my family be allowed to speak to the children at all...despite the fact that nothing in the court order said that. It was obvious their new "plan" wasn't about protecting the children at all...it was all a desperate attempt to protect their LIE and abuse the system to force the decision of custody into XH's favor.
Since we'd crossed into unfamiliar territory, we hired a good attorney to guide us through the process. I wasn't allowed to see or speak to my kids for over two weeks while we waited for our next court date. At that time, I was allowed supervised visitation and telephone access while the Department of Child and Family Services conducted their investigation.
Despite that, they still tried to keep the children away from me. The first time I saw the kids again was at the YMCA where baby mama had just signed up my youngest daughter for gymnastics (after XH had spent months trying to stop me from signing her up for gymnastics somewhere else). Despite being in a public place surrounded by people, baby mama wouldn't let me near the kids except when she was standing two feet away from us and she didn't want the kids to give me a hug when we were leaving.
XH also wouldn't let me talk to the kids on the phone. When I'd tried calling the kids, he wouldn't answer the phone and then tried to tell me that I still wasn't allowed any contact. When that didn't work, he just started giving excuses as to why they were busy and couldn't talk on the phone. It was obvious that this was just more narcissistic manipulation and control.
A woman from DCF came to our home and spoke with me and Johnny as well as my mother-in-law and stepson who were living here at the time. She asked how and when I disciplined my kids...but since nothing had even happened, there wasn't much to talk about. The investigation determined that XH's accusations were "unsubstantiated" which wasn't a surprise at all.
At our next court appearance, XH's attorney tried to argue that the DCF investigation only meant there was no proof of it, not that nothing happened. The judge wasn't fooled by their tactic, though. He scolded XH for not going through the appropriate process for suspected abuse and filing the PFA as a way to force the children away from the other parent while already in the middle of a court case for custody. The PFA against me was dismissed and we continued with the settlement conference.
We sat down with our attorneys in January 2015. My attorney went through everything in the LCM recommendation and offered to concede the alcohol evaluation and treatment in order to convince XH to agree to everything else. XH really didn't say much the entire time and I could tell he was disgruntled about his devious plan not working. My attorney drew up the final paperwork shortly after the meeting, but it wasn't filed until March 2015 when my attorney asked the court to approve it because neither XH nor his attorney were responding to attempts to contact them to sign the paperwork.
Even though it was still 50/50 custody, the court order was very specific and I hoped it would help with some of the issues we'd been having. I was ultimately satisfied by the outcome...despite the long and painful road to get there.
Of course, it doesn't matter how detailed the paperwork is; XH still seems to think the court orders don't apply to him...
Read on: Part 4: The Change in Custody.