My previous relationship ended in July and after months of effort on his part, XH and I started dating in October of 2000. The charm soon wore off and his true colors began to show. The romantic promises never actually came true. The compliments turned into constant criticism. He'd frequently give me the silent treatment. But whenever I started to contemplate the end of the relationship, that's when he'd come crying to me saying that things would change. That would last for about two weeks then it'd start all over again.
All these things were typical of a narcissist, but I didn't really know what it meant for me at the time. I fell into the trap of blaming myself and trying too hard to fix a one-sided relationship. I was still young and stupid enough to think that I just needed to "love him more" and things would go back to the way they were in the beginning. That's not how things work, though.
We were on the verge of breaking up when I found out that I was pregnant. We were both 19 at the time and XH said he wasn't ready to be a dad (and I didn't doubt that at all). He didn't talk to me for about a month after I told him I was keeping the baby. He even waited to tell his family...hoping that I would change my mind. When he did tell his family, I think their excitement rubbed off on him. We soon moved in together and started playing house.
I was frustrated by XH's lack of responsibility and constant drinking. I hated the weekends where he'd have his buddies over to drink and play cards. I had to work on Saturday mornings and was already having a hard time sleeping while pregnant. But if I got mad, XH would complain to his friends about what he had to "put up with" and accuse me of being jealous because I had "no friends" to hang out with. So...I was supposed to be upset that I couldn't party with my friends until 4am while pregnant and when I had to leave for work four hours later? Um..no.
Things didn't change much after our daughter was born...aside from my growing resentment. I'd gotten a job doing data entry for the post office. I worked the overnight shift so I could go to work at night and be home with the baby while XH was at work during the day. However, it meant that I was absolutely exhausted.
XH only helped out when it was convenient for him or when other people were around to see that he was a "wonderful" dad. I got to hear people say how "lucky" I was to have such a caring and helpful father for my child. Yet when no one was around, he'd complain if I asked him to hold the baby for 10 minutes so I could shower alone. If I got upset, he'd just remind me that everyone else thought he was a great dad...so obviously I was the one with the problem, not him.
I thought I was being mature by acknowledging that no relationship is perfect and that every couple has their problems. I figured I might as well have those problems with the father of my child. So we got married in 2003, bought a house, and then had another child almost a year later. Unfortunately, things only got worse as time went on.
The problems were endless and everything was a fight. I'd ask him to stop drinking so much, he'd tell me to stop being such a bitch. I'd ask him to help with the kids, he'd tell me to do it myself since I think I'm supermom. I'd ask him to help me with something around the house and he'd just leave. His favorite excuse for everything was to say that he was just acting like the asshole I already thought he was in an attempt to make his behavior my fault.
We argued a lot about housework. He'd go on and on about how his mom and grandma kept their houses spotless so I needed to "get off my ass" and do the same. But regardless of how much I did, he'd still complain. Of course, it's not like he would get off his own ass and help out...and there was always an excuse. I once asked him to take out the trash because it was making the entire house smell like crap (literally...oh the joy of diapers). It led to an hour long fight which ended with me taking out the trash and him saying "that's right, we'll just waste trash bags," because the bag wasn't completely full. It didn't matter what the fight was about, he just wanted a reason to complain.
I also wasn't "allowed" to spend money aside from paying bills...and often we didn't even have the money to do that. He spent ridiculous amounts of money on alcohol, always had to buy lunch at work, and multiple times he paid for internet porn. Our account would already be overdrawn and he'd still keep spending money. But if I ever wanted or needed anything...if he couldn't buy what he wanted, then I couldn't buy anything either. The example that always sticks out the most in my mind is that XH would often go out of state to fish, and there were two separate times when he'd left for the weekend with our only car seat in his truck. So I was at home with our 2 year old and no car seat. When I asked to buy a second car seat so we had one in each of our vehicles, he said I couldn't get one unless he was able to get a new exhaust system and lift kit for his truck. It made no sense at all...but his arguments rarely did.
It's impossible to compromise with a narcissist. They have absolutely no desire to change anything about their behavior; they'll only acknowledge a compromise if it suits their own interests. XH and I would often make "agreements" in an attempt to save our marriage. After awhile, I realized that it was an empty gesture on his part to smooth things over so I'd stick around. He would conveniently "not remember" making an agreement when it came to honoring his part of the compromise...or worse, he'd say that I was "crazy" because "that never happened." Yet when it came to controlling my behavior, then XH had no problem recalling every detail of the conversation.
When we weren't fighting about money and housework we were fighting about sleep. If I asked XH to watch the kids for an hour so I could take a nap before work, he'd just get pissed off. He felt that if he couldn't take a nap, then I shouldn't get to take one either. Never mind the fact that I was only sleeping from about 5am-8am everyday...apparently just asking for a nap equates to "sleeping all the time" in the mind of XH, because I rarely got to actually take the nap. He complained to everyone that he had to work all day then raise the kids and do everything around the house himself because I slept all the time. It was just one of many lies he told to tear me down and make himself look better.
Even when we weren't arguing, he'd still sneak in the little attacks. The most frequent was about my cooking. Whenever he didn't like what I made for dinner, he'd say that he was surprised it didn't make him sick. Even when he did like it, he'd say that he was surprised it actually tasted good. Then, of course, he complained when I finally got fed up with all the put downs and stopped wanting to cook for him at all. At that point, he'd say that I have no sense of humor and can't take a joke. It's a joke the first time, not every time.
XH never seemed to run short on ways to manipulate me. If the kids and I were spending time with my family or we had a playdate with my mommy friends, he liked to call after awhile and say that he wanted to see his kids. Then he would keep calling back if I took too long to get home. But he'd just play with the kids for like ten minutes and then go back to whatever it was he was doing before I got home...which was usually drinking a beer in front of the TV.
If I took a kid-free night out and he was left home alone with the kids, he was even more relentless. And by "kid-free night out" I mean breakfast with a group of coworkers at a 24-hour diner when we got out of work early. There were only three times in the span of one year when I had tagged along with everyone; and I was always home before XH had to get up for work. And except for one of those three times, I wasn't out any later than I would have been had we not gotten out of work early. But XH would call over and over trying to make me feel guilty for chatting with coworkers over pancakes instead of being at home with our kids...who were supposed to be sleeping at 3am anyway. But when he wanted to go out with his buddies all night long and come home drunk and belligerent, that was totally different because he "deserved" to take a break and have a good time.
We rarely did anything as a family after we were married. Even when we did, we'd inevitably start fighting. Aside from Christmas, we didn't even spend holidays together. XH liked to remind me that I wasn't "blood" and that those who were would always come first (at least the ones he wasn't fighting with at the time). He wasn't interested in a marriage...he just wanted a replacement mommy to take care of his kids, clean his house, and cook his dinner.
I began to wonder what the point was in even trying. I was exhausted and everyday was a struggle. I had sunk into a deep depression and it got to the point where I just didn't have the energy or the desire to do anything at all. The only reason I stayed in that marriage as long as I did was because I had no idea what would happen if I left.
We threw around the word "divorce" a lot. Every fight XH would threaten to take custody of the kids if I left. I didn't have the financial means to get an attorney and I was clueless about navigating the legal system. I didn't know where I would go or what I would do. There were too many unknown variables and I was already the type of person who worried a lot about making the "wrong" decision and making my life even worse. So I ultimately stayed because I was too scared to leave.
There was a time when I almost left him...twice, actually. Both times he'd spent all day drinking and things escalated into a fight at bedtime. He claimed not to remember our "agreement" that he would sleep on the couch if he was drunk when we went to bed. The first time, I made the mistake of saying I didn't want him in "my" bed and he flew into a rage. XH pulled the mattress off the bed, pinned me against the door frame with it, and yelled that he wanted "my" bed out of "his" house. I fell to the floor crying and he laid on the couch and fell asleep like nothing had happened (yet he couldn't just do that in the first place?). I ended up with a badly bruised back and a broken blood vessel in my eye which is still there to this day. It should've been the end, but he came back a week later crying about how he couldn't bear the thought of our daughter ever calling someone else daddy. I caved and we stayed together.
Shortly after we were married, we got into an argument about the very same thing...he was drunk at bedtime. This time he remembered the agreement, but he brought up how I was a "liar" because I'd stayed at my mom's house longer than I said I would... "so now we're both liars." He'd pushed me several times as he walked through the house, but I ignored it since I had stood in his way. However, when he grabbed my arm hard and twisted it for no reason other than to hurt me, I actually decided to call the police. XH had left and I didn't want him to be able to come back.
This is what I found out that night: when you live in a small town and your husband has partied with the cop who shows up...nothing happens. The officer was writing notes as I told him what XH did. He said that since he didn't see any marks on me, there wasn't anything he could do. When I said I didn't want XH coming back to the house, the cop said that it didn't sound like XH wanted to come back anyway. The cop walked outside just as XH was pulling back up into the driveway. A few minutes later, the officer knocked on the front door and asked for the keys to XH's parents' house.
I later got a copy of the police report, which really just angered me even more. The cop had stated "I did not think he should drive because of the odor I noticed coming from him." So instead of citing him for domestic violence or even a DUI, the cop drove XH to a motel in the next town. When our credit card didn't work (because he'd maxed them all out), he then drove XH all the way back to his parents' house. And that's it...that's all that happened.
So the next time XH got violent, I didn't even bother calling the cops. At that point, I no longer cared that I didn't have a "plan" for how to leave my husband...I just left. That day was 5/14/05.
Read on: Part 2: The Divorce.